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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24156511">Death By A Thousand Cuts</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/drivingmishcrazy/pseuds/drivingmishcrazy'>drivingmishcrazy</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Criminal Minds (US TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Betrayal, Bittersweet Ending, Break Up, F/M, Fake Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 20:09:28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,955</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24156511</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/drivingmishcrazy/pseuds/drivingmishcrazy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>They were together, then she was gone. Derek faces the aftermath of 6x18 as he tries to adjust to life without Emily.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Derek Morgan/Emily Prentiss</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>30</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Death By A Thousand Cuts</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Disclaimer: I do not own or have rights to Taylor Swifts music. The lyrics used are meant only to set the scene.</p><p>Warnings: Grief, alcohol use, trauma</p><p>Dedicated to Serena</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>You said it was a great love</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>One for the ages</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>But if the story's over, why am I still writing pages?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>'Cause saying goodbye is death by a thousand cuts</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Flashbacks waking me up</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I get drunk, but it's not enough</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>'Cause the morning comes and you're not my baby</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I look through the windows of this love</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Even though we boarded them up</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Chandelier still flickering here</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>'Cause I can't pretend it's okay when it's not</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>It's death by a thousand cuts</span>
  </em>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>One month before Boston </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What are you thinking about?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Derek blinked and found Emily Prentiss staring back at him, her dark eyes inquisitive and a small smile quirking at her lips. She was naked except for the sheet wrapped around her, and the dimple in her cheek deepened as her smile widened. Derek smiled back at the raven-haired beauty and shook his head.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Nothin’ princess.” He chuckled. “It’s silly.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Try me.” Emily said, brushing her bangs away from her face. “I bet it’s nothing sillier than anything </span>
  <em>
    <span>I </span>
  </em>
  <span>could come up with.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Alright, alright!” Derek said. “I was thinking about us.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Emily quirked an eyebrow. “Oh?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Come on.” Derek said. “We been at this, what? Two years? Neither one of us has cut and run yet, it really makes you think about some things.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I see.” She said. “And just what </span>
  <em>
    <span>things </span>
  </em>
  <span>are you thinking about exactly, Morgan?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Derek rolled his eyes at Emily’s use of her surname. Even when they were bed together, which was more often than not, these days, the job still permeated everything and old habits went hard.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The future.” He said. “You, me. You know.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>still </span>
  </em>
  <span>pretty vague.” She said. “I’m gonna need you to be more specific.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You know what I mean.” He said. “Us finally getting our heads on straight and getting a place together! Maybe a little further down the line, a couple kids.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh.” Emily said, barely holding back a smile. Her cheeks darkened to scarlet. “And in these thoughts, with our picket fence and our gorgeous babies, am I Mrs Derek Morgan or are we living in sin?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know.” Derek said, more earnest than he had intended. “Do you think that’s something you might be interested in? Marriage?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Emily shrugged and bit her lip. “It’s a legality.” She said. “I think the fact that I asked should tell you something, if the fact that I didn’t panic when you mentioned us having kids wasn’t enough.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Maybe.” He said. “But I’d like to hear you say it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes, Derek!” She said with a laugh. “I would like nothing more than to marry you and have lots of beautiful babies with you in our house with a little white picket fence. I wanna be on a cul-de-sac though.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Whatever you want, princess.” He said. “You just agreed to marry me, I’ll build you a castle if you want.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Emily chuckled. “Please tell me that wasn’t a proposal.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Emily, you wound me.” Derek said, clutching his chest in a mock show of offense. “Nah, trust me baby, when I propose, you’re gonna know it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Good.” Emily said, grinning. Then her expression softened and she leaned over to kiss him touching a hand to his face. “I love you, Derek Morgan.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Derek smiled. “I love you too, Emily Prentiss.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Three days before Boston</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We need to talk.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The words made Derek’s heart stop in his chest mid-beat, and his blood ran cold. His vision swam as he turned to face Emily, who looked like she was barely holding it together herself. He knew she hadn’t been sleeping at night, and she had seemed distant, distracted. But he hadn’t thought it was because of him, because of them. He watched, holding his breath as Emily looked away, too ashamed to face him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t look at me like that.” She whispered. “Or I’ll never be able to get what I need to say out.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Did I do something wrong?” He asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No!” She said. “No, it’s nothing you did! I just- I need a break, I need some time to think.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You need some time to think.” Derek echoed. “A month ago, you would have gladly said ‘I do’ and now you need some time to think. That’s great, Emily.” That’s just great.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry.” Emily said. “I know I’m not being fair to you, and I promise I’ll explain everything later, I-“</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No need to explain, princess.” Derek said, handing her a key. “I hear you loud and clear. You can drop off yours anytime. No rush.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Derek!” Emily shouted. The strangled quality in her voice was what made him stop. When he turned back, her eyes were shining with tears.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I loved you, Emily.” He said. “I’m sorry that that wasn’t enough for you anymore.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Derek turned on his heel and slammed the door behind him, he leaned against it and closed his eyes against the tears threatening to spill over. From the other side of the door, he could hear Emily’s muffled sobs and the sound was almost enough to make him turn around and go back inside, wrap her in his arms and tell her it was all going to be alright in between urgent kisses. But he couldn’t, he wouldn’t give her that. Instead, Derek straightened up, squared his shoulders, and walked back down to his car, his broken heart still beating somehow. He forced himself to not look back.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Boston, the warehouse </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Derek clutched Emily’s hand as her eyes rolled back in her head, though she still clung tightly to him. His heart hammered in his chest as he mentally willed help to arrive faster, willed Emily to hold on just a little while longer. She squeezed his hand again as her eyes fluttered shut.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Emily, baby stay with me.” He said. “Just you hold on a little bit longer, help’s almost here.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I love you.” Emily murmured. “I always loved you. I never wanted us to be over.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know, baby.” Derek said. “I understand why you did what you did and I don’t know if I would have had the strength to do it if I were in your shoes. You’re strong, Emily, you’re so strong. I just need you to be strong for a little while longer. Can you do that for me?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m trying.” She said. “I’m trying, I’m just so tired.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know, princess.” He said. “I know. Just a little while longer, okay? You’re not done yet, Emily.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Tell me again.” She said. “Tell me all about our future, like you used to. Please?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We’re gonna get married.” He said, kissing her knuckles. “I was actually planning asking you for real this next weekend, before everything happened. I had everything planned, JJ and Garcia were in on it, they were gonna hand you a fake case file that was gonna lead you right to me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You romantic.” Emily mumbled, and though her eyes were closed, she was smiling. “Tell me more.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“After that, we were gonna get started on making some beautiful babies.” Derek said, struggling to keep the emotion out of his voice. “At last count, you had talked me down to five. I think you still kinda think that I’m crazy, but I love you and I don’t wanna waste anymore time starting our family. We’re gonna get through this and get you better, and then I’m gonna give you as many kids as you want.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Emily let out what sounded like a half-laugh, half-whimper and squeezed Derek’s hand. Derek cleared his throat and wiped moisture from his face, then he reached over to stroke her hair.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Then we’re gonna buy a house.” He croaked. “In the suburbs, on a cul-de-sac like you always wanted. Somewhere quiet, where we can raise our children and grow old together. Okay? I’m gonna make all of that happen, I just need you to stay alive for me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After what felt like a cruel amount of time had passed, help finally arrived and medics carried Emily away on a stretcher. Derek never let go of her hand until the very last minute. He had spent so much time convincing her, convincing himself that Emily was going to be okay that he had never once stopped to consider that she wouldn’t be. When Jennifer Jareau walked into the waiting room, her blue eyes puddles of tears, Derek felt what was left of his heart shatter. Then she said the words that changed his world forever.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“She never made it off the table.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>One week after Boston.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was four in the afternoon and Derek was blackout drunk. Any other time and he would have probably been able to muster up at least a little shame, but he had just gotten done burying the woman he had been planning to marry, the mother of his future children, children that would now never exist. Derek figured that in his case, being drunk this early in the day was understandable, if not necessary.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t give me that look.” He grumbled at the blonde sitting on his sofa with her arms crossed. “If you’re here to judge me, Penelope, can you just save it for another day? She hasn’t even been in the ground for a full forty-eight hours yet.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m not judging you.” Penelope said. “I’m worried about you. I’ve heard the saying ‘it’s five o’clock somewhere’ but I’ve never known you to have more than a couple of beers on a bad day. This whiskey is almost gone! When did you open it?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yesterday.” He said. “After the funeral.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Derek.” She said, her voice shaky. “She wouldn’t want this, you know she wouldn’t want this. If Emily could see you right now…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Babygirl, please.” Derek’s voice broke. “Not today. Let me have today to fall apart so I can spend the rest of my life picking up the pieces. Please.”</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay.” Penelope squeaked. “Okay, I’m sorry.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Derek sighed. “No, I am.” He said. “I know what I’m doing isn’t right, Penelope. I just can’t wrap my head around her being gone just yet.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I get it.” She said. “I mean, I don’t get it because I didn’t love Emily the same way that you loved her, I loved her like a friend and a sister, you were in </span>
  <em>
    <span>love </span>
  </em>
  <span>love with her, but I get it because I feel lost and alone too and I miss her so, </span>
  <em>
    <span>so </span>
  </em>
  <span>much…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know, babygirl.” He said. “I know you do.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I just need to know that you’re gonna be okay.” Penelope said. “Because if I know you’re gonna be okay, I know I’ll be okay, because if you can get through this, all of us can. Are you gonna be okay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Someday.” He said. “Just not today.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>One month after Boston </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Derek woke up the same way he had every night for a month, drenched in a cold sweat and gasping for breath. Every day, he worked himself to the point of exhaustion, hoping to fall into a dreamless sleep and every night he closed his eyes and he was back in that warehouse watching Emily die all over again, powerless to stop it. Night after night, Derek watched the woman he loved slip away no matter what he did in the dream to try and change it. He never saved her. He would never be able to save her. Hotch had noticed and called him out on it a few days earlier, though he was far more sympathetic than Derek had anticipated.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Morgan.” Hotch said. “If you’re having trouble sleeping, there’s no shame in asking for help. I woke up constantly with flashbacks after Haley.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hotch, that’s different.” Derek said. “Haley was your wife, you shared a </span>
  <em>
    <span>child </span>
  </em>
  <span>together.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And you and Prentiss wouldn’t have?” Hotch asked, quirking an eyebrow. “Morgan, come on. We all saw it. I had to stop Dave from starting a betting pool on how long it would be before it happened.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It doesn’t matter now.” Derek said. “Whatever me and Emily would have done, none of that matters now. That future is gone for me, Hotch. How do you live with it man? Knowing the woman you loved is gone and there is </span>
  <em>
    <span>nothing </span>
  </em>
  <span>you can do to change it?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m still figuring that out.” Hotch said quietly. “All I know is that Haley would want me to keep moving forward, and I think Emily would want that for you too.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ll ask the therapist about it.” Derek sighed. “The nightmares, and the flashbacks.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Good.” Hotch said. He turned to leave, paused, and turned back to Derek. “You know Prentiss would never blame you for what happened, any more than Haley would blame me and she had far more of a right. Forgiving yourself is hard, but it helps.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Derek’s brow furrowed as he fought the urge to break down right there in Hotch’s office. He cleared his throat, looked up at Hotchner who was maybe the only person on the team who truly understood what he was going through, the pain that he was in.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know if I can, Hotch.” Derek said, his voice cracking. “I know she would, but I don’t know if I can.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hotch nodded solemnly and Derek knew he understood. What happened to Emily would haunt Derek until the day he died, and Aaron Hotchner knew that feeling all too well.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Three months after Boston</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sometimes she came to him at night, visiting Derek in his dreams. Mercifully the nightmares and flashbacks were starting to lessen, and more and more often she came to him whole and beautiful, an almost ethereal quality about her. This respite from the nightmares comforted Derek, but he almost hated them more at times because he always woke feeling empty, the loss hitting him once again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We’ve gotta stop meeting like this, princess.” He said to her one night.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Emily blinked at him, confused. In the dream they were in her apartment, sitting at the kitchen table sipping coffee and holding hands. Her long dark hair was up in a bun and her bangs were swept to the side. She was so beautiful, Derek didn’t think he would ever get over how beautiful she had always been.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t you want to see me?” She asked. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course I do.” Derek said. “But Emily, you died three months ago. You know that, right?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes, I know that Derek.” Emily said, rolling her eyes at him. “This is </span>
  <em>
    <span>your </span>
  </em>
  <span>dream, remember? I know everything you do. I know I’m not really here.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s right, you’re not.” He said. “And to be perfectly honest, I’m not sure how healthy this is.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Emily was quiet for a long time, staring down into the mug she held in her hands. She cleared her throat and smiled up at him sadly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You know,” She said. “Reid would probably say that the reason your subconscious keeps bringing me here is because you </span>
  <em>
    <span>need </span>
  </em>
  <span>to see me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Maybe.” He sighed. “I </span>
  <em>
    <span>miss </span>
  </em>
  <span>you, Emily. I miss you every single day, and all I want is to have you back.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And you do.” Emily said, squeezing his hand. “For a few hours every night, you have me back.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, then I wake up.” Derek said. “And I have to face a world without you all over again.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey, look at me.” Emily said, smiling when his brown eyes met hers. “You’ll move on when you’re ready, and until then, I’ll be here.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“See, that’s the thing.” He said quietly. “I don’t know that I’ll </span>
  <em>
    <span>ever </span>
  </em>
  <span>be ready to move on.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Emily stood up and came to stand behind Derek, kissing the top of his head and wrapping her arms around him, fingers trailing his chest.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know you don’t believe me.” She said. “But one day you will. It’ll take some time, but slowly you’ll get on with your life, you’ll meet someone new, and you won’t need me anymore.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Derek shook his head. “I’ll always need you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Emily smiled and kissed him again, on the mouth this time. Then she spoke the same words she always did when his dreams of her were coming to an end, the five words that more than anything were the thing he never wanted to forget about their time together.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I love you, Derek Morgan.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Derek smiled back. The dream was already beginning to fade as he made the ascent to consciousness.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I love you too, Emily Prentiss.” He said. “I always will.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Six months after Boston</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Derek was getting close to catching Doyle, he could feel it. He and Penelope hadn’t stopped looking in the six months since Emily had died, and there were days when the only thing that kept Derek going was the thought of bringing Doyle to justice. After months of waiting and searching, they finally found Doyle’s son, Declan, living in Virginia. The first time Derek surveilled  Declan, saw him with his own two eyes, he thought he felt his heart stop. That was him. The boy that Emily had risked everything for, the boy she had died protecting. Now Derek felt that he owed it to Emily’s memory to protect him too, Even if it meant losing everything.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>JJ had been back at the BAU for a few months, and though Derek and Penelope trusted her without question, they hadn’t let her in on what they were doing just yet. But JJ was a profiler now, and a damn good one at that, and Derek knew that she at least suspected what he was up to. She had basically told him as much when she knocked on the door to his office one night when he was working late.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey.” JJ smiled at him. “Burning the midnight oil?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Derek shrugged. “Just wrapping a few things up before I head out for the night.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ah.” She said, leaning against the door. “How are you doing, by the way? We haven’t really had the chance to catch up since I’ve been back.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Some days are better than others.” Derek replied, surprised by his own honesty. “I think about her every day, and it still hurts every single day.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The blonde sighed. “I can’t imagine what you’re going through.” She said. “If something happened to Will... I don’t know what I’d do.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.” Derek said. An uncomfortable silence passed between them and JJ cleared her throat.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You know, for what it’s worth.” She said. “Emily loved you </span>
  <em>
    <span>so </span>
  </em>
  <span>much. I mean, it was obvious the way she looked at you but we’d go grab coffee or room together on a case and she would just </span>
  <em>
    <span>gush </span>
  </em>
  <span>about you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Derek raised an eyebrow. “Oh?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.” JJ said. “It was weird to see that side of her, but she was different with you. She said you guys were thinking about settling down, having a couple kids...she tried to sound casual, but she was really excited.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Trust me, the feeling was </span>
  <em>
    <span>very</span>
  </em>
  <span> mutual.” Derek chuckled. “I think that’s what hurts the most, we were </span>
  <em>
    <span>so </span>
  </em>
  <span>close to having everything we wanted, now it’s just gone. How do you come back from that?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>JJ gave him a sad smile. “I don’t know.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The blonde turned to leave, then stopped and turned back to Derek, chewing her lower lip.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We </span>
  <em>
    <span>all </span>
  </em>
  <span>want to find Doyle and get justice for Emily.” She said. “You’re not alone, I hope you know that.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know.” He said simply.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“If you ever need anything,” She said. “Let me know.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Derek nodded and this time JJ did leave. They both knew her words were loaded with all of the things she hadn’t said, all of the things that he hadn’t told her but they both knew were true. What Derek didn’t know, and wouldn’t for another month still, was that there was more that JJ was holding back and when it all eventually came to light, his world would be turned upside down for the second time in less than a year.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Seven months after Boston</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The moment he saw her again after seven months of thinking she was dead would forever be burned in his memory. Derek had had no idea what was going to happen when Hotch, who had returned from temporary duty in Pakistan as they had been preparing to move in on Doyle, called the entire team into the conference room. He listened to this man, who he admired and respected, explain what had </span>
  <em>
    <span>really </span>
  </em>
  <span>happened on that night seven months ago and though he heard Aaron Hotchner’s words, they were muffled by the white hot rage that made his head scream and his blood boil. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Derek heard himself half-shout something to Hotch, though his mind was so clouded with betrayal that later he could barely remember what it was he had said. His seven months of hell had all been a lie, and not once had Hotch thought that maybe he </span>
  <em>
    <span>needed </span>
  </em>
  <span>to know that Emily was alive. He was so angry that the heels clicking on the floor just outside the conference room barely registered in his brain. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Then he saw her, and Derek felt the last intact piece of his heart break.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Looking at Emily after seven months was like looking at a ghost. She hugged him and he felt frozen, not daring to move, fearing that if he did she would evaporate like mist in his arms. Derek wanted to scream, to throw something, but all he could do was stare helplessly at Emily as she spoke, barely hearing her words. Emily, the woman he loved, who he had wanted to be his wife, was back from the dead, had never been dead at all. And for once in his life, he had no idea what to do.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Fortunately for Derek, there was no time to do </span>
  <em>
    <span>anything </span>
  </em>
  <span>besides focus on the situation at hand, and though he was still reeling from everything that had transpired, Derek pushed it all to the back of his mind as the team raced against the clock to recover Declan Doyle. It wasn’t until it was all over, Ian dead and Declan safe, trial finished and the team reinstated that Derek had any time at all to talk to Emily alone. They had all gone out for drinks to celebrate their suspensions being lifted and a job well done, and though Hotch had spoken to Derek briefly to apologize for the coverup, the unit chief had made it clear that the conversation was over. Derek didn’t like it, but didn’t dare argue. Logically he knew why Hotch had kept him in the dark, but that didn’t erase the last seven months. Somewhere between his second and third beer, Emily touched his arm and pulled Derek aside, ignoring the looks that the rest of the team gave them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay.” She said. “Let’s hear it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Derek frowned. “What do you mean?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, we haven’t really had a chance to talk since I’ve been back.” Emily said, her tone measured. “And I’m sure you have a lot to say, I know I do.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What’s left to say?” He said, shrugging. “I thought you were dead, you weren’t. You’re here, you’re safe, and I’m grateful. The rest doesn’t matter.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Derek.” Emily sighed. “We both know that’s not true.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What do you want me to </span>
  <em>
    <span>say, </span>
  </em>
  <span>Emily?” Derek exclaimed. “That I’m hurt? That I’m confused? I am but I don’t see how it’s gonna help anything to say so. You had your reasons for doing what you did and I have to accept that, whether I like it or not.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Please don’t shut me out.” She said. “Not after everything that’s happened.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You don’t get it.” He said. “You don’t understand what I went through, Prentiss and I don’t want you to. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy and you’re nowhere near that to me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But I </span>
  <em>
    <span>want </span>
  </em>
  <span>to understand.” She said, reaching for his hand. “I don’t want us to have all of this between us.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay, fine.” He said through clenched teeth. “You really wanna know? Grief counseling, nightmares, flashbacks. You would come back to me every single night and I would wake up in the morning feeling like I had lost you all over again. I mourned the woman I loved, the life we would have had. Is that it? Is that what you wanted to hear?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Emily looked at him, her eyes filled with tears.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I never wanted to do that to you.” She said.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know.” He said. “But what happened, happened and I’m gonna need some time to deal with this, Em.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t have a choice!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Neither of us did.” He replied. “So this is what we’re left with.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Emily was quiet for a moment, clearly weighing what she wanted to say in her mind before she spoke.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you-“ She stammered. “Do you think we’ll ever be able to get back what we had before?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Derek looked at her for a long time. He would be lying if he said he wasn’t hurt and angry, but he couldn’t deny that he still loved her. Emily was his person, and no matter what he did or where he ended up, that would never change. Things had shifted between them, had broken, and whether or not those things could be repaired still remained to be seen. So Derek swallowed hard and decided to answer honestly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know, Emily.” He said. “I don’t know.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>One year later…</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And just like that, she was leaving almost as quickly as she had come back. It had been Derek’s decision to not attempt to resume their relationship because as much as he loved her, as much as he would </span>
  <em>
    <span>always </span>
  </em>
  <span>love her, he knew in his heart that things would never truly go back to the way he had been before. Yet when Emily told him that she was taking a job with Interpol in London, Derek felt his heart breaking all over again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They danced together at JJ’s wedding, and though Derek couldn’t be sure, he thought Emily was holding onto him a little bit tighter as they whirled around on the dance floor. When the night was coming to a close and Derek offered to drive Emily, who had drank one glass of champagne too many and was giggly and buzzed, back home, the look she gave him told Derek everything he needed to know. It was all still there, beneath the surface, for both of them. He chuckled when he walked her into her apartment and the first thing she did was kick her shoes off and flop down on the couch. The more things changed…</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s not too late, you know.” She said, looking up at him. “All you have to do is say it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Emily, come on.” Derek said. “I’m not gonna ask you to stay just for me, and I would hope that you wouldn’t entertain me if I did. You’re better than that.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You could always come with me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Derek’s eyebrows arched in surprise. There was the hint of a smirk on Emily’s face, but her dark eyes were serious, pleading even. He gave a deep sigh and passed a hand over his face.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We haven’t been together in almost two years.” He said. “Even if I said yes, there’s no guarantee that we could make it work.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh.” Emily said, looking away. She blinked back tears and her cheeks were flushed. “Right. Sorry.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Derek sighed. “Emily…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, you’re right.” She said. “It was stupid of me to...I don’t know why I even thought…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey, hey.” He said, rushing to sit beside her and wrapped her in his arms. “I still love you, Emily. You know that, right? That never stopped.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“This is stupid, Derek!” She exclaimed. “We love each other but we’re not together and for what? And my heart feels like it’s breaking and there’s nothing I can do about it. Because you may love me but you don’t want to be with me, and I can’t fix it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, princess.” Derek said with a sigh. “Princess, princess, princess. It’s been a tough year. And I would be lying if I said I didn’t want to forget everything and follow you to London to give this one more shot.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But?” Emily asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s not that simple.” He said. “I do not and never will blame you for what happened with Doyle, but for seven months, I thought you were gone forever. Something broke in me that night, and it’s not fair to either of us to pretend that that didn’t happen.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know.” She said. “I know, you’re right. I just don’t know how I’m gonna let you go.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How about this?” He said. “I’ll help you get settled and we keep in touch, and if someday, we get another chance and the timing is right, we try again.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Emily smiled through her tears. “I’d like that.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Derek smiled back at her and pressed his lips to her forehead. They held each other like that all night, and though there was peace and understanding, it was bittersweet. Everything he ever thought he knew was gone, and though he meant what he said, Derek didn’t know if there would ever be another chance. They weren’t the same people they had been before that night in Boston and never would be again. Their lives had changed, and whether life would bring them together again, Derek couldn’t say. All he could do was wait and hope that one day Boston would be a distant memory and they would find their way back to each other again. After all, every ending was another beginning, even if they didn’t know it yet.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Derek just hoped that that was true.</span>
</p>
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